10 Holiday Rules for my family**
**Signature to abide by rules required to enter and partake in the festivities!!
1. Everyone must check their tiara at the door. We are not your lowly subjects to pander to your every whim and fancy. If you want something, get off your butt and go get it yourself!!
2. No one, not even royalty, may have control of the TV or remote control for more than 30 minutes. Football is on, for goodness sakes! We don't care about the damn parade anyway!
3. If you, your child, or spouse is deemed to be in need of mind-altering drugs as evaluated by me, those will be administered by me personally. Herbs and bran do not effect behavior and mood--no matter how much you believe it to be true.
4. If your IQ is below 110 or you don't agree with my religious, political, or educational beliefs, you need to leave now or risk bodily harm. I don't have the time or patience to explain my big words and sophisticated ideas.
5. If you are a size 6 or below, you may not whine and complain about how fat and out of shape you are. If you do open your mouth to utter such nonsense, you will be forcibly fed 6 pieces of cheesecake. Deal!
6. Please sleep in your designated sleep area. If you choose to fall asleep in the common living areas and expect everyone to whisper and tiptoe around you, you will find all of your hair cut off when you wake.
7. Do not expect your mother to wash, dry, and fold your clothes or your family's clothes. This is not the dry cleaners. Any clothes left on the floor or in wadded up piles in corners will be burned in a sacrificial pyre on the driveway and used to make s'mores.
8. If you eat the food, you help wash the dishes and clean up. Eating and then walking away to "watch" the 2 year old will be license for others to put the dirty dishes in your suitcase for you to take home and wash your own damn dishes.
9. I don't care if you drive 2 miles or 200 miles, you are expected to walk in with 2 side dishes to share. Make sure it's enough to feed 20 people and portion sizes will not be controlled or enforced. Most people do not eat the bird food you seem to like, so make sure it has butter, salt, and heavy cream in the ingredients. Splenda and Olestra will not be tolerated. Any dishes not up to specs will be put down the garbage disposal. No questions asked.
10. DO NOT under ANY circumstances touch the thermostat!!! We are not stick figures that must enshroud ourselves in polar fleece from toes to nose to maintain normal body temperature. We like to be comfortable and not sit in a sweat box. Raising the temp. to above 68 degrees will be construed as an act of war and will be dealt with accordingly. All windows and doors will be flung wide open and everyone will be required to dance around in their underwear. Think about it. Do you really want to see me in my grannie panties???? I didn't think so!
________________________________________________
signature, date, blood type, and name of beneficiary are required, should I be forced to kill you. Your assistance is appreciated but not required. Thank you for your support!!
